Lucky Day
by Vivian Kain
Summary: Ron is a sex machine, Harry's a prude, and Hermione entertains herself...need I say more? It's back!!
1. New management

(It's 3 years down the road. The Hogwarts students in Harry Potter's class are now in their seventh and final year at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizadry. It's day one of class and, fresh from a summer of Quidditch practices and strip clubs, the students stream into the Great Hall, laughing and joking as they take their places at the four familiar house tables of Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Gryffindor, and, that grand old "Ehove for Hogwarts", vocational school of witches and wizards, the place where hardworkers are prized above all others, Hufflepuff. Once back in their dorm, the Hufflepuffs will most likely participate in group therapy, take a couple puffs on their inhalers, polish their glasses, and drink a tall glass of warm milk before they sing kum ba ya and head off to bed promptly at 8 o'clock. But as our story has nothing to do with Hufflepuff, I digress. Through the crowd, three distinct individuals are seen at the Gryffindor table, the crème de la crème, those that all the others strive to be, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger. Their heads are bent close together as they whisper urgently to one another.)  
  
Harry: (giggling uncontrollably) So, do you think I finally have a chance with Cho this year??  
  
Ron: (glances over at the Ravenclaw table, where Cho is patting her stomach delicately) Yeah, sure, if you don't mind taking care of little Krum when she delivers in December.  
  
Hermione: (glaring daggers at Cho) Little slut. I hope they move her to Hufflepuff.  
  
(Suddenly, Dumbledore appears at the staff table, flanked by two figures in long cloaks, their faces shadowed by the hoods of their robes. Everyone becomes silent, and Hermione stops trying to make Cho's head explode with her wand under the table.)  
  
Dumbledore: Attention students, we have three new additions to our teaching staff this year, and I hope you will welcome them warmly. Marilyn will be our new Potions teacher, taking the place of the fondly remembered Severus Snape, who departed last year. There was actually a sighting of him in the Forbidden Forest just last month. Sibyll swears she caught sight of him dressed only in fig leaves and eating a banana. It was quite unfortunate that he opened that owl post letter containing that odd white powder. The Ministry of Magic still maintains that it was not muggle oriented and they are investigating. In addition to this, we also have a new Defense agains the Dark Arts teacher, which is a huge shock to me as usual. Vivian is, I assure you, highly trained and quite good at the art of hex deflection, which is evidenced by her flawless complextion. And last of all, Hogwarts has finally decided to part with a few extra bronze knuts a year to hire our first-ever Counselor, who I like to call Mr. Tim. Unfortunately, Mr. Tim cannot be here tonight, as he is currently setting up his telescope to correspond with the hole between his office and the girls bathrooms. He assures me that he will use this device only to determine if a girl is perhaps crying in one of the stalls, in which case he will be permitted to actually enter the bathroom and 'comfort' them. I trust Moaning Myrtle will have her eye on him. And now, on with the sorting!   
  
(Dumbledore seats himself next to the two new teachers at the staff table as Proffessor McGonagall brings out the Sorting Hat on a stool)  
  
Harry: Wow this is so exciting! I hope we get some good new Gryffindors!  
  
Ron: (Eyeing a girl in the line) Ten bucks says I can get that girl in the sack before her first class.   
  
Harry: (pouting) No fair you always win those!  
  
Hermione: (Ignoring them) Ick, it looks like a load of Hufflepuffs this year. Just a bunch of dunderheads again. (She stares morosely down at her plate) I really need a man.  
  
Ron: (puts and arm around Hermione's shoulders) It's alright Hermione. I'm sure one of the ickle firsties will love a bossy know it all who never shuts up! I mean, a brilliant, strong willed young lady will fantastic verbal skills…..maybe you can get a young one this year!   
  
Hermione: (shrugging him off) Ron, you're disgusting.  
  
Ron: Thanks! Now shut up, the song's about to start!  
  
(The Sorting Hat sits quietly on the stool, as though waiting for everyone's attention. The tear at the the brim opens wide as the hat begins its song)  
  
Sorting Hat: Once a long time far away, four young people met one day. There was lovely Ravenclaw, who fell in love with Gryffindor, and shy Hufflepuff, who loved Slytherin even more. Slytherin however loved another, and dismissed her in favor of the other. Eventually, a solution was agreed upon, and these scholars had giant orgies, not just one. They started this school, and decided that together they would rule. Ravenclaw is where you go if you have brains to spare, Hufflepuff will take you if you have none to share. Gryffindor's where the brave do land, and Slytherin's the place where monsters band. So try me on, I'll let you know, where in here you have to go!  
  
(Everyone applauds enthusiastically. The ceremony continues as every single first year is made a Hufflepuff, with the exception of a very shady looking punk that gets booted into Slytherin.)  
  
Ron: (rolling his eyes) This is so lame! C'mon, let's go throw acid pops in all the toilets for Filch to clean up.   
  
(Ron, Hermione, and Harry stand as the food on their plates vanishes, whooshing down to become part of the flow of the lake. As the three young hooligans made their way out of the great hall, a cold wind whipped around them.)  
  
Ron: (pulling his leather jacket tighter) What's with the wind?  
  
Harry: I dunno, maybe it's them.  
  
(Harry points across the hall, where two women are standing with their wands out, as though in combat. As they approach, they can hear the witches' conversation.)  
  
Vivian: I saw him first! He's mine!  
  
Marilyn: Oh no you don't…I called him before we even got here! I have dibs!  
  
Vivian: Nope, that's cheating, you have to view the merchandise first!  
  
Marilyn: Oh yeah?? Take this!  
  
(Marilyn turns her wand in Vivian's direction and purple sparks shoot out of the end of it at Vivian's face)  
  
Vivian: (smirking) Is that the best you can do??  
  
(Vivian aims her own wand at Marilyn and a blast of golden light blasts out of the end at the other witch. The girls both dodge the curses, which wiggle around to spell "VHS Sailors" in mid air. Screeching, the witches grab ahold of each other and begin rolling around on the floor, pulling hair and biting.)  
  
Hermione: (clearing her throat) AHEM. Can we help you ladies?   
  
(The witches look up, apparently noticing the three pupils for the first time)  
  
Vivian: Um, we were NOT talking about boys that we plan to bewitch.  
  
Marilyn: Of course not, that's just silly. I'm Marilyn Stabs, by the way, I'm your new Potions mistress.  
  
Vivian: I'm Vivian Kain, I'll be your Defense Against the Dark Arts mistress this year.  
  
Marilyn: Only I can be a mistress. You know, like Potions master, potions mistress. No one's ever heard of a Defense Against the Dark Arts master. You're just a stupid TEACHER! That is so uncool! What a dork!  
  
(Vivian pouts, shooting evil glances in Marilyn's direction every few seconds)  
  
Marilyn: Well boys, I think you two ought to run along….you too Miss…….um, whatever. We'll see you tomorrow, sleep tight!  
  
(Marilyn waves jauntily as the boys stride away and Ron screeches suddenly. It's not until they've made it up the stairs that he lets his friends know why.)  
  
Ron: (hoarsely, as though immensely frightened) Someone just smacked my ass! 


	2. A sleepless night

Hermione: (scoffing) Ron that's ridiculous. Who would smack YOUR ass anyways?  
  
Ron: (indignantly) I'm telling you, one of them did it! Although…….(looks thoughtful) I suppose I did rather like it. They were both quite pretty, wouldn't you say?  
  
Harry: (Like a good girl scout) But they're teachers! Ron that's bad. I draw the line at that. I may go chasing after Voldemort at every opportunity I get, most likely insuring my eventual demise at his hand, but I'm not STUPID!  
  
Ron: Oh come on, Harry! They're three years older than us, tops! And I've always liked older women. Which one do you want Harry?? I'm going for the tall one, she's about what I like.   
  
(Ron looks back down the stairs longingly, as though he can still see the two women, and sighs.)  
  
Hermione: Oh, you boys are so stupid! They ought to put you in Hufflepuff!  
  
Harry: Hermione, that's enough with the Hufflepuff jokes. They were over a long time ago.  
  
Hermione: No they weren't…….our beautiful and talented author was just making fun of Hufflepuff a few pages paragraphs ago.  
  
(Who, me? Never. Hufflepuff is my favorite house, I wish I could be in it, blah blah blah.)  
  
Ron: Yeah well, it's funny when the NARRATOR does it, not you Hermione! (Faces forward, as though looking into an invisible camera.) How you doin babe? You're hot aren't you?  
  
(Extremely.)  
  
Harry: Ron, please keep your hormones in check, you can't be hitting on everything with boobs in your line of vision!  
  
Ron: Um…….why not?  
  
Harry: (Opens and shuts mouth several times, as though searching for an answer) Uh…..that's not the point, it's just wrong, okay?   
  
(Ron shrugs and the three friends continue up to the common room. On the way, the soft strains of Kum ba ya reach their ears from the Hufflepuff common room. It isn't long before they reach the portrait of the fat lady, who must have been staying in her portrait more than usual and bribing the slaves, I mean house elves, into bringing her snacks, because she looked fatter than ever.)  
  
Fat Lady: Password, please?  
  
Ron: We don't know it yet. We haven't seen a prefect around.  
  
Hermione: You know, I was almost head girl. But I had to hang around this lot and slack off my studies…..  
  
Harry: Quit whining, you got 12 OWL's.   
  
Fat Lady: No password, no way in.  
  
Ron: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease let us in?   
  
Fat Lady: (Eyeing Ron unpleasantly) What's in it for me?  
  
(Ron raises his eyebrows and opens his mouth to speak, but Hermione interrupts him.)  
  
Hermione: RON! Don't you dare!  
  
(The portrait of the fat lady swings open to admit them. Puzzled, they proceed into Gryffindor Tower.)  
  
Harry: That was weirder than that time I magically ended up in outer space with a bunch of little kids and a penis-shaped rocket!  
  
Hermione: (soothingly) Harry, that never happened remember? The therapist said it was a dream, it's NOT REAL!  
  
Harry: Okay okay, but that was still weird! So what's the password?  
  
Hermione: I don't know. I'll go outside again and check. I'll say each word, and we'll see which one gets me back in.  
  
(Hermione leaves and returns within a few seconds, looking extremely confused.)  
  
Hermione: The password….is Ron.  
  
Harry: Ron? Why would it be Ron? I'm the famous one here!  
  
(Harry begins to pout, but Ron looks thoughtful)  
  
Ron: Hey Hermione…..who sets the passwords to the tower?  
  
Hermione: Usually, the teachers work something out with the fat lady and the other entrance guarders. Why?  
  
Ron: (triumphantly): I knew it! Those teachers like me! Why else would the password be my name? They're trying to win me over!  
  
Hermione: It won't be that hard. No offense Ron, but a lot of the girls see you as easy. A male slut, if you will.  
  
(Harry starts bawling and gibbering stuff about being more popular than Ron. He wraps himself in his invisibility cloak and moves toward the fire, still squealing and crying.)  
  
Ron: What's he complaining about? He gets to be in the front on all the movie posters, and he's the star!  
  
Hermione: Oh Ron, you just can't get it through your thick head! Girls are always attracted to you. Your flaming red hair, your lovely doe eyes, your tall stature…..who wants plain old boring Harry Potter when they could have you?  
  
Harry: (through his tears) I heard that!  
  
Hermione: The point is, Ron, that Harry is JEALOUS. You're so gosh darned adorable, and I know you can't help it but you need to try to put a lid on it sometimes. You're just so darn lovable it's too much to take.  
  
Ron: Well, not everything about me is perfect you know! I have some flaws too.  
  
Hermione: (crossing her arms) Like what?  
  
Ron: Um……well when you put it that way, I don't seem to have any do I? Good point Hermione. Would you like a congratulatory shag?  
  
Hermione: (disgusted and yet amused) If you could PLEASE keep little Ron in your pants, this is yet another disturbing mystery for us to solve! Why would the password be your name?  
  
Ron: We've already discussed this.  
  
Hermione: Okay okay. I guess I'm off to bed then. Ron, the prefects are inspecting tomorrow so you might want to move your Playwenches from underneath your mattress….that's a bit obvious if you ask me.  
  
(Hermione makes her way up the girls' staircase as Harry dries his eyes and Ron looks thoughtful again.)  
  
Ron: How did she know they were there?  
  
Harry: Um, I did NOT tell her that sometimes I look at them when I get scared after a bad dream.  
  
Ron: (rolls eyes) Geez, everybody around here needs to get some pretty bad. I'm not the only horny one, I'm just the only one who shows it. C'mon.  
  
(The boys climb the stairs to their dormitory, Harry still blubbering occasionally. Ron enters the room first and notices a shadowy figure slumped on Harry's bed.)  
  
Ron: Get on your way Malfoy.  
  
Malfoy: Just waiting for Potter. I uh, had a question about homework.  
Ron: We haven't even had class yet!  
  
Malfoy: Oh, uh, in that case, I guess my question was answered. 'Night!  
  
(Malfoy leaps off Harry's bed and disappears. Ron and Harry begin to get dressed for bed.)  
  
Ron: (shaking head) What a nutter. He's stalking you Harry, he really is.  
  
(Harry hides his face while Ron disrobes and climbs into bed.)  
  
Harry: (voice muffled from pillow) Why do you always sleep naked?  
  
Ron: (half joking) In case a hot girl climbs into bed with me in the middle of the night.  
  
Harry: (awed voice) Ron, how come you get so many girls?  
  
Ron: That's easy. It's because I'm so sexy. Girls can't resist my innocent "I'm the last Weasley boy and all my brothers are so cool" speech….they melt like butter every time.  
  
Harry: But I don't have any older brothers…..what am I supposed to do?  
  
Ron: (shrugging, although Harry can't see him in the dark) Dunno. Maybe you could use that whole "I conquered the Dark Lord" story….it's a fairly interesting tale if you tell it right.  
  
Harry: But Ron, that was years ago. How can I prove that I deserve a woman's love too??  
  
Ron: (mumbling) Maybe not a woman's…*COUGH* Malfoy!  
  
Harry: What?  
  
Ron: (quickly) Nothing, g'night! 


	3. Alternative uses for Hermione's Wand

(The next day at breakfast, Harry and Hermione are conversing idly about nothing, both anxiously waiting for Ron to arrive.)  
  
Hermione: Where the heck is Ron? I need to talk to him about those Playwench magazines. I found one in my trunk last night, do you think he planted it there as a joke?  
  
Harry: No, I think he was trying to help you out in those scenarios when you use your wand for alternative purposes.  
  
Hermione: (indignantly) I stopped doing that, okay?? Remember when I accidentally turned my bladder into a miniature giraffe? That was the end of that! Plus, it made all my spells go screwy.  
  
Harry: (stopped listening after Hermione opened her mouth) Look at Cho today. Isn't she positively glowing?  
  
Hermione: Yeah, maybe that's cuz she's got a bun in the oven and its almost done!  
  
(Just then, Ron shows up, looking disheveled and very satisfied. He sits between his friends, grinning broadly.)  
  
Hermione: Big morning?  
  
Ron: Harry, now you know for certain just exactly why I sleep naked.  
  
(A first year with mussed blonde hair hurries into the hall and takes a seat at the Hufflepuff table, blushing furiously as she pulls her skirt back down over her no no area.)  
  
Hermione: Ron! That's disgusting!  
  
Ron: Hey its not my fault! They stifle them in Hufflepuff!! What they need is a good pornographic movie. That'll show them how to entertain themselves….that chick was pretty starved for sexual attention if you ask me. Hey, there they are!  
  
(Harry and Hermione turn in the direction that Ron has indicated as the two new teachers make their way into the Great Hall, their hips swaying like toy sailboats on the high seas during a storm. Every single male head (no, the other head) in the great hall swings to look at them as they take their seats.)  
  
Ron: For crying out sakes that should be illegal. I want them smothered want them covered like my waffle house hashbrowns.  
  
Hermione: (rolls eyes) Too much discovery channel on your off-hours Ron?  
  
Ron: (sweetly) Did you remember to clean off your wand this morning Hermione?   
  
Harry: Children, children, we're all friends here! Don't make me call in the Hufflepuffs to tie you down and do their "101 Disney skits" play for you again!  
  
Ron: Now that's enough to make ANYONE sexually frustrated.  
  
Hermione: Wow, this entire story is becoming awfully perverse. I think you need some character modification, Ron. What do you think, Narrator?  
  
(I think Ron's character is just fine and if he's up to the task he should give me a call. I'm free on Friday.)  
  
Ron: (winks) Pick you up at eight?  
  
Harry: Ron, could you please focus! My frickin scar hurt last night, don't you care?  
  
Hermione: Harry, everyone stopped caring about that ages ago. Honestly, your so melodramatic. "Oh, Voldemort murdered my family and he makes my scar explode with pain." Well boo-frickin-hoo.  
  
Ron: Guys, they're coming this way! Do you think they could be part veela, look how everyone stares!  
  
(Hermione opens her mouth to speak, but before she gets a chance Fleur Delacour launches herself onto the teacher's table and strips down to nothing in seconds flat. Everyone is too busy watching Vivian and Marilyn, however, and no one notices. Depressed, Fleur attempts to stab herself with Proffessor McGonagall's spoon. Hermione closes her mouth in satisfaction.)  
  
Harry: (Also notices Fleur's pornagraphic pleas for attention) Ron, I think it's safe to say that these ladies are much, much more than veelas. They're orgasmically attractive.  
  
Ron: How would you know, Harry? You're like the virgin bride or something.  
  
Harry: Wow!   
  
Hermione: Okay Narrator, time to cut out the inside jokes or the only review you'll get will be from Marilyn!  
  
(You're right. I'll try to lay off, okay?)  
  
Hermione: Right, okay. (looks down at plate) Gosh, I hate this school food! What do I have to do to get some "PIZZA!" (has pizza spasm and falls off chair)  
  
Harry: Well, I need to find out why my scar's hurting again. Do you think it has anything to do with Voldemort? Or maybe Satan?  
  
Ron: (helpfully) Or Bob, the devil cat that is now the president of the world?  
  
Harry: (desperately, his green eyes welling up with tears) I don't know Ron. I just don't know. 


	4. "Obsession" for men

Hermione: Right, well, we best get to class. Today is our first potions lesson with that new instructor and I'd really like to get there early enough to fasten my lips securely to her ass. First though, I have to get back up to the dorm room, I forgot my new parchment.  
  
Ron: Er, yeah, I forgot to pull on some boxers too. I'll be back soon Harry, let the teacher know where we are if we're late!  
  
(Ron and Hermione hurry back to Gryffindor Tower, while Harry makes his way to Potions, humming softly.)  
  
Harry: Let me see that thooooong. Baby, that thong tha thong thong thong!  
  
Marilyn: Okay!  
  
(Harry spins around quickly to see Marilyn standing behind him, wearing a purple sweater and guiding Malfoy by the shoulder.)  
  
Harry: Oh, sorry Professor Stabs, I wasn't talking to you, I was just singing.  
  
Marilyn: (hopefully) Are you sure?  
  
Malfoy: I'll take a look at it for you, Professor.   
  
(The three of them enter the classroom, and Marilyn makes her way to the front, clearing her throat to gain the attention of the Slytherin and Gryffindor seventh years. The dungeon classroom, once drab and plain, is now decorated with flowers and peace signs, not to mention flashing disco lights and beaded curtains above all the doorways.)  
  
Marilyn: (smiling brightly) Good morning, students! I think I'll start out by taking attendance, then maybe a quick cage-dancing competition before we get on with class alright?   
  
Harry: Um, my friends had to run back up to our common room for a moment, they should be coming pretty soon.  
  
Marilyn: (looking down at her attendance sheet) And their names?  
  
Harry: Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley.   
  
(Marilyn raises her eyebrows at the sound of Ron's name, then smiles unpleasantly)  
  
Marilyn: Well, we'll just have to hope they show up then. Alright, forget attendance, I'm too excited about today's lesson. We're making Love Potions!  
  
(Marilyn squeals with excitement and begins rolling around on the floor with sheer happiness, emitting and occasional grunt.)  
  
Marilyn: (standing up) Damn. I still can't do that the way Michelle can.  
  
Malfoy: Michelle? Who's Michelle?  
  
Marilyn: (Waving a hand to dismiss the question) Nevermind. Just a friend from high school. He must have had that operation by now…..anyway. Ingredients!  
  
Harry: (looking around for Ron and Hermione, who still haven't shown up) Um, don't we need to pick partners first?  
  
Marilyn: (shrugging) Well, if you say so. Hey, why don't you and Malfoy here be partners? I just got a note from Mr. Tim saying that Draco's friends Crabbe and Goyle have been sent down to his office for getting caught trying to watch the girls going to the bathroom, and Mr. Tim is going to teach them how to do it right. Since they aren't here either, maybe you and Draco ought to pair up. Here, set up your cauldron and I'll be right back.  
  
(Marilyn disappears into the small lab room near the back of the classroom. Glaring daggers at each other, Malfoy and Harry set up their cauldron.)  
  
Harry: (trying to be nice) So Malfoy, any luck with the ladies lately?  
  
Malfoy: Of course. The last one cost about $5000. Only the best, daddy says.  
  
(Just then, Marilyn returns, carrying a box of ingredients. She stops at Malfoy and Harry's table first, unloading several liquids.)  
  
Malfoy: (picking one up) What's this? "Obsession"? Why do we need perfume?  
  
Marilyn: Well, love really is about obsession, in a way. Okay class, begin!  
  
Harry: But, Professor Stabs, we don't know how to make a love potion. They're forbidden at Hogwarts.  
  
Marilyn: Well, maybe you two should start by making out, that usually works for me. Now if you'll excuse me for a quick second, I have to go see Mr. Tim about something. Just a little video we're making, nothing major. Excuse me boys.  
  
(Marilyn glides out of the room, leaving Malfoy, Harry, and the rest of the class alone with their potions ingredients.)  
  
Malfoy: Well, I suppose we better get started, Potter. Hand me that pink stuff you have.  
  
Harry: (innocently) What pink stuff?  
  
Malfoy: Um, the pink perfume you just spritzed on yourself before dropping the bottle into your pocket.  
  
Harry: OOOOH! This pink stuff!  
  
(Harry pulls the perfume out of his pocket and the two work silently for a few moments.)  
  
Malfoy: There, I think it's almost ready we just have to let it simmer.  
  
Harry: (Makes hand motion) Simmer down! Simmer down now!  
  
Malfoy: Pardon me?  
  
Harry: Crying out sakes that's funny man! What's wrong with us people?   
  
Malfoy: Excuse me, us people?  
  
Harry: Yes, US people! We seem so cleancut and wholesome all the time here at Hogwarts, where are the drug addicts and cheerleader sluts that all normal schools have? Thank Gob our Narrator has added a touch of realism to the insanity of this entire institution!  
  
(Well….I try.)  
  
Malfoy: Okay, Harry, you don't make any sense but I'm going to just agree with you because you smell so lovely.  
  
Harry: Why thanks, I just showered this morning.  
  
(The bell rings and the class expels into the hallway, Harry looking wildly around for Ron and Hermione, who never showed up. As he's walking, he hears a voice shouting behind him.)  
  
Krum: Harry! Yo, pimp! What up dog?  
  
Harry: (smiling toothily) Hello Viktor.  
  
Krum: Hey Harry, no hard feelings about me knockin' up the object of your affection, right? I mean, Hermione will always be in my heart man, Cho means nothing to me.  
  
Harry: Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. (Dr. Evil finger)  
  
Krum: (guffawing ridiculously) Duuuuuuuuude…..that was a phat movie man.  
  
Harry: Why the hell are you trying to be cool all of a sudden?  
  
Krum: Dude, I'm just trying to fit in with the ridiculous standards that high school popularity entails. Feel the love yo.  
  
Harry: Oh, I can feel it.  
  
(Just then, Malfoy approaches, looking awkward.)  
  
Malfoy: Um, can I have a moment alone with Harry?  
  
Krum: (giggling manically again) Pot-man, I think Draco has a little crush on you!  
  
Harry: Get stuffed Krum.  
  
Krum: MAN that sounds so dirty!  
  
(Harry follows Malfoy away from the still-laughing Krum to a more private section of hallway)  
  
Malfoy: Um, I just wanted to tell you that Professor Stabs wants to meet us tonight up in the empty storage room on the third floor. She said that whatever we do we should NOT push the little red button on the wall marked "push me please."  
  
Harry: (looking thoughtful) What could she want to see us about?  
  
Malfoy: (shrugging) Maybe she noticed our unspoken attraction and sensed the sexual tension between us.  
  
Harry: Maybe. See ya Draco! 


	5. Whipped Cream and Mysterious Makeovers

**Sorry this is short guys, I had better things to do. So this is just kind of a transitional chapter....oh, and I forgot a disclaimer at the beginning so....the Harry Potter characters are owned by J.K. Rowling and um, not me. However, the humor is 100% mine! ;o) ENJOY!  
  
  
(Harry hurries up the stairs to Gryffindor Tower, racing through the common room to his dormitory. Odd noises and giggles are coming from beneath the covers of Ron's bed, but they stop abruptly when Harry throws open the door.)  
  
Harry: I know you're in there, Ron! Why didn't you come to Potions today?  
  
Ron: (in a high, squeaky voice) I'm not Ron, I'm Cho, I'm waiting for you to come and claim me you hot, sexy animal of a man!  
  
Harry: Ron, what are you playing at? Come out of there!  
  
(Harry pulls back the covers on Ron's bed to discover not only the red-haired hottie, but also Hermione, both of them covered in what appears to be several gallons of whipped cream.)  
  
Ron: Um, its not what it looks like?  
  
Harry: It looks like you gave Hermione a little sugar while I was stuck in the dungeons with Malfoy!  
  
Hermione: Okay, then it's exactly what it looks like.   
  
Ron: C'mon Harry, don't be a playa hata!  
  
Hermione: Really Harry, just because Ron in phenomenal in bed doesn't mean you'll never find anyone. Honestly, stop being such a prat!  
  
Ron: Hey Narrator, do you even know what a prat is?  
  
(Not a clue, they just use it a lot in the Harry Potter books, I figured it was some kind of English insult.)  
  
Harry: Well, I have study hall this period, since Divination got cancelled.  
  
Ron: Why was it cancelled?  
  
Harry: Professor Trelawney convinced herself she could fly and threw herself from North Tower. Too much crystal-gazing is my guess.  
  
Ron: Or maybe that was all that crack I slipped in her tea?  
  
Hermione: (giggling) Oh, you two are so bad! (Growls flirtatiously like a sexed-up Downtown Sim)  
  
Ron: You know what we ought to do, Harry? I reckon we better go visit Hagrid and send a letter to Sirius.  
  
Harry: That's just what I was thinking!  
  
Hermione: But why? Nothing's happened.  
  
Ron: Hermione, that's just what we always do. Harry gets freaked out over a little bit of pain and we go running all over creation trying to keep him from getting himself killed.  
  
Hermione: Good point Ron. Let's go then.  
  
(Harry, Ron, and Hermione begin their journey up to the owlery, but stop when they hear a noise coming from a bathroom near them.)  
  
Harry: Eeek, it's Voldemort!   
  
(Harry hides himself behind Ron, who is still wearing nothing but whipped cream.)  
  
Hermione: Cripes, you really are an idiot, aren't you? It's not Voldemort. It's only Moaning Myrtle, what would Voldemort be doing in a bathroom?  
  
Harry: Um, using the facilities?  
  
Ron: Ewww, that's disgusting! Storybook characters don't do stuff like that.   
  
Harry: OOOOOOH that explains my constant stomach ache.  
  
Hermione: Come on boys, let's see if she's all right.  
  
(The three of them sprint into the bathroom, looking wildly around for Myrtle.)  
  
Ron: (spotting her) Myrtle….what the hell?  
  
Myrtle: (giving them a watery smile) Do I look alright?  
  
(Myrtle is wearing a glittery green gown and high lace up boots. Makeup covers her pearly face, and she is clutching a see through hanky, although she's not crying)  
  
Hermione: Myrtle, what's going on? What are you wearing?  
  
Myrtle: Well, Mr. Tim heard me crying in here, and he came in to see what was bothering me. What a great, kind man Mr. Tim is. Anyway, he helped me get in touch with my anger, and we're working through it together. His friends were in there when I came in, Marilyn and Vivian. They gave me this makeover, and they were ever so nice about it. I could tell they had more important stuff to talk about, when I left they were whispering something about Colorado, ten year olds, pie, and a superhero. Mr. Tim seemed really excited about it though.   
  
Ron: (cautiously) Did they say anything else?  
  
Myrtle: Actually, yes. The tall one was talking about you Ron. Or at least, I think she was. She kept saying something about somebody named Tallahassee, but the way she was talking made me think that it wasn't really a city, but a person. And she was talking about flaming red hair. The other one was kinda confusing, gibbering stuff about love potions and fishnet stockings.  
  
Hermione: (excitedly) What a delightful mystery! 


	6. And Now for Something Totally Different

In a controversial move, I have decided to interrupt your regularly scheduled perverse Harry Potter fic to bring you a profile of heroes. That's right, I'm talking about those few lucky souls selected to become members of Hufflepuff House. Throughout the years, Hufflepuff House has brought the rest of us so much joy. Whether we're making fun of them or laughing when they trip and fall, Hufflepuffers never fail to provide amusement for the rest of us, both muggles and magical folks alike. In my pursuit of information, I've been scurrying around Hogwarts harassing students from all four houses, trying to conduct interviews. At best, I got a few hurried comments as students scuttled away, trying to avoid me. "I guess I never really thought about it," commented Justin Finch-Fletchley, a Hufflepuff 5th year upon being asked what he thinks about being a part of the most unpopular group of people in the wizarding world. For that is the way Hufflepuffers are seen by nearly everyone, except several muggles interviewed who most likely would have been in Hufflepuff themselves. "I think the Hufflepuffs are sweet," cooed one VHS junior, who asked that her name never, ever be realeased in connection with this statement. "They're nice to everyone." Yeah. But that doesn't make them any cooler, now does it? Ever heard of the phrase "nice guys finish last"? Well, a slightly modified version would be "nice wizards from Hufflepuff never get laid." Get it? Good. Some people, at least, seem to have an excellent grasp of the concept. "I think Hufflepuff is the gay house," commented a friend of mine not too long ago. I happen to know that this statement is accurate because this friend happens to have "gaydar" so he would know. Well put sweetie, well put. Anyway, the purpose of this special bulletin is to familiarize you all with the students of Hufflepuff House, as well as its formation and the types of activities that go on within the common room walls. Come…..join me.  
  
PART 1: The beginning  
  
Hufflepuff House, famous for its hardworking members, was formed by one of the four Hogwarts founders, Helga Hufflepuff. Well, if working hard is a treasured virtue, you know that Hufflepuffers don't really have a heck of a lot of talent in other areas, and the same was true with Helga herself. She was the kind of girl that everyone just kind of ignored. She wasn't very pretty, smart, funny or intelligent. In fact, she only came to be a part of "Operation Magic Tinkle" (a.k.a. Project Hogwarts) because she had been spying on the rest of the founders and threatened to expose them to……well, I don't really know who she planned to tell, but the point is, they let her be a part of their evil plan to make children learn. (Shudders). It is the impression of this author that I just might know someone who was Helga Hufflepuff in a past life, but I'll withhold her name for privacy purposes. One historian quoted Helga as saying, "Hard work gets you everywhere you want to go. If you don't understand something, just work hard, and you'll understand it. That's how life works." To which this reporter commented, "That's Miss Kalb deep." In conclusion, I would just like to remind everyone of one thing. Hufflepuff House was formed for the sole purpose of uniting dorks everywhere and giving the rest of us a hearty laugh at their expense. No more, no less. That's it. The last enchilada. Or is that the big enchilada? Anyway, I don't like Mexican food so it doesn't matter. In any case, never forget why Hufflepuff was created. From now until the end of time, we'll always need idiots to make us feel better about ourselves, and we've truly found this in Hufflepuff.  
  
  
PART 2: The Hufflepuff Elite  
  
Among the Upper-Crust of Hogwarts House exist only the most interesting and talented people you'll be likely to find anywhere. "Dude…..are you like a writer or something?" Was the question posed to me by Ernie McMillan, another Hufflepuff 5th year, to which his friend Hannah Abbot added, "Sweet! We're in a fan fiction! Can I say hi to my mom?" Yours truly was quite impressed by their advanced literary skills, as I'm sure you can tell. As previously discussed, the criteria for becoming a Hufflepuff involves only hard work. That's it. No strings attached. No exams to pass or fraternities to pledge to. Just work hard and you're in. Which pretty much proves that if no other house will take you, Hufflepuff is your last hope. "We all kind of think of Hufflepuff as a last resort," Ron Weasley admitted in our exclusive interview after he had put his clothes back on. "They don't get no R-E-S-P-E-C-T, you know?" Even Draco Malfoy had something to say on the subject. Apart from his original comment of "Imagine being in Hufflepuff? I think I'd leave wouldn't you?" he also chose to comment to this reporter. "Hufflepuffers will be the first to go. Every single one of them will provide a village with an idiot one day." Even Lord Voldemort asserted, "They're too vile to even touch. That's why they're all still alive, I can't even stand to kill them." Now some may think that this evaluation of Hufflepuff House is unfair or biased, but I swear upon my pet bunny's grave that I just tell it like it is. Even the Hogwarts game-keeper, Hagrid, was rumored to have said, "Everyone says Hufflepuffs are a lot of doffers." But, not all of the comments were bad. "I really enjoy being in Hufflepuff. I never have to be brave, intelligent, or ambitious. I just sit here and do my homework like a good girl, and I'm set to graduate. No one really expects much of us," claimed Susan Bones, also a 5th year Hufflepuff. And there you have it folks. The greatest students in Hufflepuff. God bless the goobers of this world, and may they live on forever.  
  
PART 3: Activities  
  
As previously mentioned in this raunchy, uncouth, and yet strangely entertaining fanfiction, a favorite pastime of Hufflepuffs is singing Kumbaya. Although the other students joked about it for years, it was a house elf who finally discovered the truth. The elf, called Doobie (name has been changed to protect identity) claims that he was lighting a fire in the common room when the Hufflepuffs all congregated there, roasting marshmallows as they began to hum and sing. Not only that, they all possessed cups of steamed milk and pajamas with footies. The Hufflepuffs basically keep to others of their kind, preferring only to roam the castles at night when no one else is about. It has also been brought to my attention that the Hufflepuffs are all very indecisive. Or are they? Yes, they are. No, they're not. Wait, yes there are…..well anyway. The Fat Friar has also been known to bring out his wooden flute from his boy scout days and play a warm and lively tune to lull his housemates to sleep. Thank Gob for that.  
  
  
  
And this concludes my tribute to Hufflepuff House this evening. Thank you for pretending to listen, and now back to your regularly scheduled programming. 


	7. When Harry met Silvia

(After leaving Myrtle's bathroom, the three friends contine on their way down to Hagrid's cabin, after reminding Ron to go put some clothes on. They arrive at Hagrid's hut moments later, and Ron knocks on the door.)  
  
Ron: Hagrid! Open up we need to talk to you!  
  
(Hagrid opens the door a crack and peers out.)  
  
Hagrid: A'right, hurry it up now, c'mon. Don't want these critters gettin' out now, would I?  
  
(Harry, Ron, and Hermione slip in through the small space between the door and the wall and look around. Madame Maxime is sitting on Hagrid's bed wearing nothing but lacy pink undies and a purple bathrobe, while six children run noisily around the kitchen, one of them screaming as Fang tries to bite his hand off.)  
  
Harry: (covering his ears and yelling) Did we come at a bad time?  
  
Ron: (covering his ears and, upon seeing Madame Maxime, his eyes) Yeah, would you like us to come back later?  
  
Hagrid: No, no, tha's okay. This is actually quite calm fer them. Lil' tykes.  
  
Hermione: Hagrid, I didn't think you'd carry your affinity for monsters this far! I mean, one or two was fine but six? Look at them!  
  
(All heads turn to look at the children, all of whom have unmanagable wiry black hair and enormous bulks. The youngest girl, who is bigger than Fang, attempts to pick him up and throw him in the fire.)  
  
Hagrid: (Pulls out whistle and blows shrilly) Vontrapps! I mean, Hagrids! Assemble!  
  
(The children hurry to make a straight line, the oldest on the left, the youngest on the right, still crawling around in just her diaper.)  
  
Hagrid: State your names:  
  
Holly: Holly!  
  
Hortleby: Hortleby!  
  
Henrietta: Henrietta!  
  
Manny: Manny!  
  
Miguel: Miguel!  
  
Madeline: (blows raspberry and contents herself with body slamming her pet niffler.)  
  
Hagrid: (proudly) Well, tha's the whole lot. Don't think yeh've meet lil Madeline. Yeh haven't been down to visit me en awhile.  
  
Hermione: We're sorry Hagrid, we've just been so busy studying….  
  
Ron: And having sex….  
  
Harry: Trying to elude Voldemort…..  
  
Ron: And having sex…..  
  
Hermione: Trying to train Harry for quidditch….  
  
Ron: And having sex…..  
  
Harry: (gritted teeth) and buying Christmas presents…..  
  
Ron: And eating grapes! (Smiles happily and pops a grape into his mouth.)  
  
Hagrid: Aw, it's a'right. Been gettin' along jus fine. But maybe you lot better run along now, Olympe's in heat. And take the children, would yeh?  
  
(Next thing they know, Harry, Ron, and Hermione are back outside Hagrid's hut with the six youngsters, and the sound of giggling and a bed breaking can be heard from inside.)  
  
Ron: (shakes head) Blimey. I feel so inadequate and inexperienced.   
  
Harry: Oh shut it you great prat!  
  
(There it is again. You'd think that if I didn't know what a word meant I'd stop using it, but prat is just so fun to write that I can't quit. I'm a failure! I need some serious psycho-analysis. I'm such a prat.)  
  
Ron: (sounding hurt) What's wrong with you?  
  
Harry: I'll tell you what's wrong! I'm a virgin, that's what's wrong! You hear me! I'm a virgin! And Silvia Browne says that I should pretend I'm not looking for love and it will find me, but that never happens! No one ever loves me, not even blow-up doll Katie and-"   
  
(Harry claps a hand over his mouth, looking mortified. Hermione and Ron just stare at him, aghast.)  
  
Hermione: Oh Harry. Harry, don't feel bad. It's really not all that great.  
  
(Ron grunts through his nose)  
  
Hermione: Well, okay, it is, but that's only when you have sex with Ron, so you're really not missing much.  
  
Harry: (drying his tears) Really?  
  
Ron: No, not really. (Dr. evil finger)  
  
Hermione: (shooting dark looks at Ron) Really, Harry. Besides, we still love you. Now let's play with the kids for a bit, what do you say?  
  
Harry: No thanks. I think I'll just go back to the dorms. Maybe I can fit in a quick romp with Katie before Defense Against the Dark Arts. See you.  
  
(Harry walks slowly back toward the castle, leaving Ron and Hermione to keep Hagrid's giant children from killing the giant squid. As he shuffles back toward his dorm, "Big Girls Don't Cry" plays in the background.)  
  
Harry: (Angrily faces omniscient narrator) Would you quit making fun of me already?? Just because I'm a sad pathetic virgin who sleeps with blow up dolls doesn't mean you have to attack my sexuality!   
  
(The whole hallway swivels to look at him. Harry turns red as everyone looks about, trying to figure out who he's talking to. Unfortunately, they can't see the narrator and just think that Harry is going nutters. They go back to their daily business.)  
  
Harry: (In a low, conspiratorial voice) What'd you do that for? Now everyone thinks I'm off my rocker!  
  
(I'm not the one screaming at narrators who aren't real. Get hold of yourself man!)  
  
Harry: Okay, okay, I get the point. Just stop playing the corny music, okay??!!!!  
  
(But, it wasn't me.)  
  
Harry: Well, then who was it?  
  
(That kid over there with the boombox. See, the one in the purple robes?)  
  
Harry: (embarrassed) Oh. Yeah. Sorry. But why is he listening to "Big Girls Don't Cry?"  
  
(Hufflepuff my dear. It's like a whole other world.)  
  
Harry: (sighing loudly) I'll never meet a woman!  
  
(Did Psychic Silvia tell you that too? Or maybe Miss Cleo? ::Snickers::)  
  
Harry: I happen to think that Miss Cleo is a respectable member of the psychic community, and if you'd ever met Silvia Browne, you would understand how I feel! But no one understands!  
  
(Aw, there there. You met psychic Silvia?)  
  
Harry: Why yes, yes I did. She told me my parents had "crossed over." It was a really deep experience.  
  
(Well great. Anyway, I'm sure people are sick of us talking like this in the middle of the hallway Harry so why don't I move this along and get you to Defense Against the Dark Arts?)  
  
Harry: Sounds good. Thanks for your compassion, narrator, you've been a big help.  
  
(Anytime.) 


	8. It's Ron time (OH YEAH)

**This is your lovely author. Thanks to all for the smashingly good reviews I've received thus far. They give me a warm, tingly feeling inside. Oh wait….I ate the cafeteria food today. Nevermind. Anyway, the whole point of this paragraph is to plug my OTHER Harry Potter fic, "The Dark Days of Tom Riddle", which is traumatizingly bad compared to my usual standards but I got such nice reviews for "Lucky Day" that I thought I'd try it out. Let me know what you think, and be honest! Oh, and if you didn't like it, tell me why. Constructive criticism can only help! Alrighty well, it's time for yours truly to go finish studying for her Physics exam, so content yourselves with this chapter for now, and if you're bored go read my other stories, or those by my fellow author and partner in crime Marilyn Stabs (especially Baby Bat, I consider it her masterpiece.) Okay, enough out of me for today. Enjoy!**  
  
  
  
(As Harry continues on his merry way up to Gryffindor tower to prepare for his next class, I'm going to tell you about Ron. Ron, as you all know, is the youngest Weasley brother. He has struggled his entire life to prove that he is worthy of his parents love just like Charlie, Bill, Percy the Prefect, and the smashingly adorable twins, Fred and George. As some of you know, I'm madly in love with Ron, and part of the reason I aged him a little bit for this fic was so that I wouldn't get complaints from child welfare about me corrupting innocent little red-haired boys. In my vast and extensive research on Harry Potter fan fictions, I have noticed that most of my fellow authors tend to shove Ron off into a back corner somewhere while they go on and on about fabulous Harry Potter. At the risk of sounding a bit like Draco Malfoy, I have to say I'm sick and frickin' tired of hearing about that whiny, no-account, no talent--)  
  
Harry: I can still hear you! I'm not out of earshot yet!  
  
(Oops. Sorry. ::Waits for Harry to turn the corner:: Anyway, sorry for the interruption. Where was I? ::Scrolls up:: Oh yeah, okay. My point is, Ron never gets the attention he deserves because everyone is too busy trying to get Harry Potter's attention. Well, I'm here to change all that. For once, Ron is going to get what he's worked so hard for. How do I know that this prophecy will come to pass? Because I'm the author and I said so.)   
  
  
(Ron makes his way inside from the grounds, where Hermione is using her judo chop to try and detach Hagrid's hairy children from the giant squid. Her cries of "I AM THE VENGEANCE" remind Ron of someone else he knows, but he can't quite put his finger on who it could be. He sighs wearily as he stepped across the threshold into the castle.)  
  
Vivian: (popping up out of nowhere and putting her arm around Ron) Why so glum chum?  
  
Ron: (sighing again) Oh, it's nothing.  
  
Viv: C'mon, I can tell when something's bothering my favorite student!  
  
Ron: (looking puzzled) You haven't even had me in class yet!  
  
Viv: Yes but I know you'll be brilliant! I've been stalk-I mean, watching you lately and you seem to have quite a lot of talent.  
  
Ron: (furiously) Yeah, tell that to my parents!  
  
Viv: What do you mean?   
  
Ron: I just get the feeling like my parents don't think that I'm good enough compared to all my brothers.   
  
Vivian: Oh Ron, I don't understand where you would get an idea like that!   
  
(Ron fishes in his "man bag" for several minutes, pulling out a tube of lipstick, a thong, and some breathmints before extracting a very ratty piece of parchment and handing it to Vivian.)  
  
Vivian: (wrinkling her nose at the dirty paper and holding it with the tips of her ruby red fingers) Icky….what do you want me to do with it?  
  
Ron: Um, you could read it?  
  
Vivian: Ew! I just took a shower, complete with totally organic experiences! (Holds up Herbal Essences bottle in a shameless plug because she needs the money) I had the URGE……  
  
Ron: (exasperated) Okay okay I'll read it to you! (He snatches the parchment back and reads out loud) "Dear Ron, We don't think you're good enough compared to your brothers. Love, Mom and Dad." Oh, and the PS says that Eloise Midgen called and she's not preggers after all. I guess that's good news. But I still feel like….are you listening?  
  
(Vivian, who stopped paying attention five minutes ago, is silently mouthing the herbal essences song while 5 attractive men wash her hair in the middle of the corridor. Noticing Ron's annoyed look, she snaps her fingers and the men disappear.)  
  
Viv: Oh Ron, don't be such a baby! (I would have used the word prat here, but I was informed by a kind reviewer that it is, in fact, a Hufflepuff word, so therefore I can no longer use it with a clear conscience.) Who cares what your mommy thinks? Now let's go shag.  
  
(Vivian takes Ron's hand and tries to drag him into Professor McGonagall's nearby classroom, although there is a class inside. Ron pulls back, looking disturbed)  
  
Ron: That's my line! I'm the one hankering for a piece of ass here!  
  
Viv: Well what if I like dashing red-haired boys? Am I not allowed to be the aggressor?  
  
Ron: Well, what if I like being the one to take charge in a relationship?  
  
Viv: Since when were we in a relationship? Look, I think you need to straighten out your little boy hormones just a bit.  
  
Ron: You're the one who just wanted to shag me!  
  
Viv: (Nodding in agreement) Okay, Ron. You're right. Let's go hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.  
  
Ron: No, I'm very upset about this. My parents think that all I'm good for is a nice ride!  
  
Viv: Aww, Ronnie….that's all you ARE good for!  
  
Ron: (his eyes begin to well up with tears) Look, I never asked to have this body okay? I was born with it! It's not my fault that all the girls would rather sleep with me than the famous Harry Potter! I'm sorry my magic tinkle is bigger than his, alright! All I want is for someone to take me seriously!  
  
Vivian: (filing her nails and looking bored) So are we gonna do the horizontal mambo or not?  
  
(Before Ron can answer, a hot seventh year Ravenclaw boy approaches them, smiling toothily and holding a stack of flyers. He hands one to each of them.)  
  
Boy: (Who's name is Eugene, by the way) Would you like to join the Virgin Club?  
  
Ron and Vivian: (exchanging looks and speaking in unison) The Virgin Club?  
  
Eugene: Yeah, it's really fun!  
  
Vivian: (Looking excited) Do we get to do puzzles???  
  
Ron: Puzzles?  
  
Vivian: Yeah, Marilyn has this obsessive compulsive thing with doing puzzles in math class, and now puzzles make me feel fulfilled. My life is only complete when I'm doing puzzles. Does that make sense?  
  
Ron: No.  
  
Vivian: Excellent! So do we get to do puzzles?  
  
Eugene: Why yes, you do! And, you get to wear this nifty shirt every day. (Holds up t-shirt) See, it has a giant purple V on it. The V stands for virgin, not some remote high school in Ohio. And then when you finally get yourself some action, you get to put a big red smiley face over it! (Whips out smiley-face patch and ironing board, attaching the iron-on design in seconds flat.) But only sex counts, nothing else.  
  
Ron: Um, sorry, Buddy, there aren't any virgins here.  
  
Eugene: My name is Eugene!  
  
Vivian: (smiling charismatically) Of course it is. But you see Eugene, we've both….well….okay, do you consider it sex if……  
  
(Vivian leans in to whisper in Eugene's ear.)  
  
Eugene: Nope, you're still a virgin!  
  
Vivian: Wait, what about….  
  
(Vivian mutters something else into Eugene's ear, but he grins even wider.)  
  
Eugene: Nope, still a virgin babe! Oh boy, a new club member! Have a button!  
  
(Eugene holds out a button with a gigantic V on it, but Vivian leans in again.)  
  
Vivian: What about……  
  
(As Vivian mumbles in an extremely low voice into Eugene's ear, his face contorts into a look of disgust and he snatches the button back.)  
  
Eugene: Eww! You're not welcome anymore!  
  
(Eugene hurries off, but Ron is staring at Vivian.)  
  
Ron: What did you tell him?   
  
Vivian: Ever been to Denver, Ron? Those were some wild and crazy times.  
  
Ron: What were? What's Denver? What the heck are you talking about?  
  
Vivian: Nevermind, nevermind. Now you better scat, you'll be late for my class.  
  
Ron: I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA SHAG!  
  
Vivian: Ron, you missed your chance. I have a class to teach. Now, if you'll excuse me.  
  
(Vivian sweeps past him and saunters off, not turning back.)  
  
Ron: Hey Narrator, could you make your alter-ego a little bit less of a cock tease?  
  
(Ron, she's got a point. You just took too long. Maybe next time you'll get on the horse a bit faster eh?)  
  
Ron: Is horse some kind of dirty word for-  
  
(I don't know what you're implying, but I would never talk about anything inappropriate. I'm just the innocent narrator relating the events of your final year at Hogwarts. Is that okay with you?)  
  
Ron: Okay, so you're telling me that none of this is your fault?  
  
(Well…..)  
  
Ron: I knew it! This is all your fault!  
  
(It's not all my fault! I'm not Gob you know! Most of this has to do with the fact that you never forwarded any of those internet chain letters man….that ruined your life.)  
  
Ron: So will I get to sleep with you….I mean, Vivian, any time soon?  
  
(Don't count your dragon eggs, compadre.) 


	9. The Case of the Violent Note

**Sorry this is short loves.....I have bunches of projects due this week and stuff. Enjoy and I'll update soon!  
  
(Somehow, Ron, Hermione, and Harry all find their way to Defense Against the Dark Arts. Nothing of interest happened to Hermione because….I just don't care. Harry's the star and Ron is my future boy toy, so there you go. I suppose I'll get to her story later. Anyway, my strange fetish for young red-headed wizards really has nothing to do with this. The three friends are seated toward the back of the room, little Madeline still attached to Hermione's leg with her teeth. Hermione is picking seaweed off her shoulder when Professor Kain comes into the room.)  
  
Hermione: Hey Ron, did you watch Stephen King's "Rose Red" on television the other night?  
  
Ron: Um….no.  
  
Hermione: Oh. Cuz our narrator was watching it while she wrote this.  
  
Harry: What does that have to do with my lack of sexual experience?  
  
Hermione: Nothing, I was just making conversation. Geez, does everything have to be about sex?  
  
Harry, Ron, Narrator, Vivian, Marilyn (who pokes her head into the room at that precise moment), and Mr. Tim (watching through the crack in the wall): YES!  
  
Hermione: Crikey did you all have to shout?  
  
Ron: Shhh…here she is!  
  
(Vivian enters the room in a slow-motion walking scene. Prop guys scramble around her running a fan to make her hair float in the breeze and laying out a red carpet before she took each step. The makeup guy touches up a blemish and the camera crew zooms out as Viv faces the class.)  
  
Vivian: Alright kiddies, here's the deal. I can't teach until I get a little decoration around here, so just hang on.  
  
(Viv claps her hands and posters of Rocky Horror, The Crow, Austin Powers, and Moulin Rouge slide into place from panels in the ceiling. The room grows dark and strobe lights begin to spin crazily around the place. Glitter is released from the ceiling and drizzles down onto the class.)  
  
Vivian: Much better. I feel so much more at home. Now, on with the lesson. You are here to learn Defense against the Dark Arts, which is a very complicated and exact science. I'll need a volunteer for my first demonstration. You won't need your wands for this so you can put them away.  
  
(Everyone tucks their wands inside their robes, but Ron's hand stretches as high into the air as it will go, and Vivian calls on him.)  
  
Viv: Yes, Mr. Wheezy?  
  
Ron: (rapt admiration plain in his eyes) Can I be your volunteer?  
  
Vivian: (Grinning and nodding) Um, okay. (Ditzy smile)  
  
(Ron makes his way to the front of the room, and Viv places him across from her.)  
  
Vivian: Okay, now this first move I'm going to show you is usually effective. It confuses the attacker long enough for you to get away. Okay now, Ron, wave you wand at me.   
  
(Ron waves his wand around, looking like he feels like a huge goober. Vivian runs up to him and gently shoves his shoulder, then turns and runs away with her arms flapping.)  
  
Vivian: See? Now that's the wimpiest counter-attack ever. They'll be so confused that by the time they realized you've escaped, you'll be halfway to Mexico on a double-decker bus you hijacked with your friends. Now everyone break up into partners and try it.   
  
(Looking puzzled, everyone breaks off into groups to attempt the difficult maneuver. They are just beginning when there is a crash from the far side of the room.)  
  
Vivian: (jumping under her desk and covering herself with her hands) What in the purple blazes was that?  
  
Seamus (delivering his only line in this whole story with great dignity): I don't know, Professor Kain, maybe you should go check.  
  
Vivian: Me? Go check? I can't even make macaroni and cheese and you want me to investigate strange noises coming from the other end of my classroom? Just what kind of drugs are you on, Mr. Finnegan, and where can I get some?  
  
(This is a joke. Drugs are bad. On with the story.)  
  
Ron: (eagerly) I'll go check for you, Professor Kain!  
  
Vivian: (smiling) Oh, you can call me Vivian, you brave little boy!  
  
Hermione: Vivian, I have a question…..  
  
Vivian: YOU can't call me Vivian, you little butthead. Only Ron.   
  
(Viv bats her eyes at Ron as he retreats to the corner of the room to investigate the noise. Ron returns soon, holding and object with paper attached.)  
  
Ron: You're window's broken, Vivian. Someone threw this note attached to a brick through it!  
  
Vivian: Now why would anyone do that? I don't need any bricks, and there must be a less violent way to pass notes in my class.  
  
Harry: (taking the brick in an attempt to steal the limelight from Ron) But the note's not for US, Professor Kain…..it's for you!  
  
Vivian: (looking flattered) My word, for me? Well, what does it say?  
  
Hermione: (reading over Harry's shoulder) It says "u r sick. End of story." It's signed "A reviewer who obviously doesn't get out much."  
  
Vivian: (sighing) Oh yes, I remember now. I just don't understand some people.  
  
(Me neither. I think we're brilliant!)  
  
Vivian: Well everyone, I don't think we're going to continue class today. I'm going to go ask Mr. Tim to help me with a nice long sponge bath and then Professor McGonagall is coming over to do manicures and Professor Trelawney is going to tell our fortunes! (Giggles like a Catholic School Girl in a Britney Spears video) It's gonna be the best slumber party ever!  
  
Harry: (looking confused because, if you'll remember, he and Draco have a little "appointment") Is Marilyn going to your sleepover tonight?  
  
Vivian: No no, she told me she was going to be "making a sandwich" or something. Anyway, I think I ought to warn you all not to come looking for me tonight. I'm sure none of you want to see a bunch of girls with pigtails and see-through pajamas discussing boys.  
  
(Every pair of male eyes are on Vivian now, but she appears not to notice.)  
  
Ron: (nearly choking on his words) And just, um, where will this little, um, "party" be taking place?  
  
Vivian: In my rooms silly! But it's top secret, no one knows that they're off the third floor behind the statue of Simon the Sexy and down a long corridor to the right. (ditzy smile)  
  
Ron: OOOOOH….right! (winks)  
  
Hermione: (grumpily) Something in your eye dear?  
  
Harry: Are you a giraffe?  
  
Ron: Oh for gosh sakes go watch "Tied and Tethered" with Kate you perverted weirdo!  
  
(Sorry about that…..go see "Birthday Girl" if you want to know what the heck I was talking about with those last two lines.)  
  
Harry: (happily) No can do. Kate will just have to chill alone tonight, cuz I have a date with my Potions teacher and my archenemy!  
  
Ron: Oooooh, you really need to get laid. 


	10. This is funny, yes?

**Faithful fans, I beseech you. A depressing lack of reviews for our collaboration story "Play Things" has left both my comrade Marilyn Stabs and myself a bit unsettled. In the name of all things naughty, please take a gander at that story, and also others the two of us have pumped out at various intervals. Thank you loyal readers, and on with the show!**  
  
(While all the rest of the castle is nestled all snug in their beds, visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads, a few naughty students creep around the school. Bashing into furniture and wandering through deserted corridors, these brave few soldier on in the pursuit of something great: a free peep show.)  
  
Ron: (whispering) Which way did she say we had to go?   
  
Neville: (clasping Trevor to his heart and bursting into tears) I don't know! All I want is to see some skin! I never asked for this torment!  
  
(Neville throws himself dramatically to the floor, weeping and claiming that he didn't deserve such noble friends. Ron kicks him down a flight of stairs and turns back to the others, Seamus, Dean, Hermione, Ginny, and Harry.)  
  
Ron: Okay men. You all have your missions!  
  
Hermione: I'm not a man! I'm not even part of this group! Ginny and I are going to the library to do some studying, remember?  
  
Ron: (looking puzzled) You're not a man?  
  
Harry: (lowering his voice to a whisper as well) Alright guys, I'm going to meet Draco and Marilyn now. Let me know if you ever find that slumber party!  
  
Ginny: Harry, I'll come with you because I'm sadly, pathetically in love with you even though you never pay any attention to me and I would give my life for you even though you won't remember my name in a day or so!  
  
Harry: (looking confused) Alright Jenny, if you want to come that bad, let's go!  
  
(Ginny, grinning happily, runs to catch up with Harry as Hermione flounces off in a huff to the library and the boys continue their midnight quest for bootylicious babes. I think it's about time Hermione had a chapter to herself, so I'll leave the rowdy slumber party and the secret meeting for later additions.)  
  
Hermione: (to herself as she reaches the library double doors) Stupid boys! Why do I always have to be the one to knock some sense into everyone!   
  
(Suddenly, a disembodied voice comes from nowhere just as lightening streaks down from the clouds outside.)  
  
Voice: Because Hermione, it is your DESTINY!  
  
Hermione: Who is that? What's going on!?  
  
Voice: Hermione, this is the voice of God!  
  
Hermione: REALLY?!  
  
Voice: (Dr. Evil inflection) No. Not really. I can't back that up.  
  
(From behind the shelves of books emerges a tall, hooded figure. The figure glides up to Hermione and places an arm about her shoulders, guiding her further into the library.)  
  
Hermione: (looking up at the shadowed face of her companion) Well, if your not God, who are you?   
  
(The Voice becomes suddenly breathy and wheezing.)  
  
Voice: Hermione…..I am your….  
  
Hermione: Don't pull this star wars shit on me compadre! I know you're not my father!  
  
Voice: Actually, I was going to say I'm your parents' milkman. But I very well could be your father, now that you mention it.  
  
(The Voice removes its shroud, revealing the handsome face of a man with long, blond hair and eyes like watered down chocolate milk. He smiled at Hermione and she nearly melted.)  
  
Thomas: My name is Thomas. I'm looking for a certain Ms. Stabs. I heard she has become a teacher here at this marvelous school. Could you tell me where to find her?  
  
(Before Hermione can answer, a second figure comes crashing through the outrageously expensive stained glass window above a low bookcase. This figure skids across the carpet, knocking Thomas and Hermione to the ground.)  
  
Figure #2: (In a whiny, whimpering voice, rubbing his bum bum) Owwww! Rug burn!  
  
Thomas: (Grabbing the second figure's arm and hissing) Do you want to get us caught you dunderhead? Now, take off that mask!  
  
(The second figure pulls off his ski mask to reveal a handsome face with rather small eyes that looked like a blueberry Popsicle melting into a puddle on the sidewalk during a hot summer day. He flings his head this way and that as though to shake out his hair, although the stiff blond spike refuse to budge and stay perfectly intact despite the ski mask.)  
  
Hermione: Uh, can I help you?  
  
Hans: (Austrian accent) My name is Hans, jah. I am looking for Miss Vivian? You have seen her, no?  
  
Hermione: I have seen her YES. But why are you two here? Are you muggles?  
  
Hans: What is muggle?  
  
Thomas: I'll explain it to you later, Hans. (Directing his attention to Hermione) We're here to reclaim what the magical world has stolen from us. The most desirable women in the world will be ours once again!  
  
(Hans smiles appreciatively and nods.)  
  
Thomas: Hans, what are you wearing?  
  
Hans: (Looks down at outfit, which consists of a teensy little jumper with short shorts and straps.) This is Austrian yodeling uniform. Very, sexy yes? (Click wooden shoes together.)  
  
Thomas: (slaps forehead) How did you rope me into this Hans?  
  
Hans: (Looking at Hermione again) You show us where Vivian and Marilyn are yes?  
  
Hermione: (smiling slyly) Well, two dashing blond haired men just broke through the window of the school library and you expect me to just lead you to your women-folk without asking anything in return?   
  
Thomas: (Grimly) What is it you want?  
  
Hermione: Oh, I just have one question……can I touch it?  
  
Thomas: (sighing and unzipping his spants) Okay, just one time….  
  
Hermione: No, no, not that!   
  
Thomas: Then what?  
  
Hermione: Your hair silly! What kind of girl do you think I am?  
  
Hans: SLUT! (smiles proudly)  
  
**********2 HOURS LATER**********  
  
Thomas: Oh my Gob I'm gorgeous!  
  
Hans: I am sexy, no?  
  
(Both men are standing in front of the full-length mirror in Hermione's dormitory, admiring their new looks. Hermione has managed to wind Thomas's long blond hair into a bun at the crown of his head. She left a few strands loose and has braided them. Hans's hair is still spiky, but now he sports black eyeliner, a spiked dog collar, a see-through mesh shirt, and baggy jeans.)  
  
Hermione: (Beaming) So you guys like it? I'm so glad you let me try out my ideas on you! I want to be a beautician you know!   
  
(Hans eyes Hermione's hair and opens his mouth, but Thomas claps a hand over his friend's mouth.)  
  
Thomas: What a wonderful dream! (Giggles) And you've done a great job! How delightful that you caught us in the library!  
  
Hermione: (Nodding) Yep, it must be my LUCKY DAY! 


	11. Travels

**Yes yes I know that this installment has taken forever, feel free to throw things at me, like a couch or a croissant or something equally painful. I know that almost as soon as a Harry Potter fic is posted it disappears back into the archives, so if you do get a chance to read this before it zooms its way to page 10 in two seconds flat, please review it so I know that someone cares! Thanks a bunch, frosted flakes forever!  
XOXO, ViV**  
  
(Ron is looking upward with an exasperated look on his face, and Seamus and Dean are both looking upset at the delay.)  
  
Ron: Narrator? Are you there? Come on dammit, I need to find this slumber party! Geez, you're just taking your sweet time aren't you? (Pauses, then realizes the Narrator is still not responding and begins to yell.) HELLO!? NARRATOR!!!  
  
(The Narrator awakes with a start, one of the curlers tumbling out of her dark hair, chocolate on her face from falling asleep in her pudding in front of her computer.)  
  
Ron: Thank goodness! Are you awake now?  
  
(Yeah, sheesh. I was just taking a little break from fanfiction, I do have a life you know. I've been kind of exhausted lately…**eyes fill with tears** It's just that, I don't think you guys really appreciate me, and you don't know how hard it is, being just a disembodied voice with a sex drive, I don't know what to do anym--)  
  
Ron: (Cuts off Narrator) Fascinating, can you get me to the booty already?  
  
(Watch it, carrot top. It's up to me what happens to you, and I wouldn't want you to have any…PROBLEMS waking up the "Rod of Pleasure", if you know what I mean.)  
  
Ron: (Backing off) Okay okay. Just get on with it. (Under his breath) How does she know I named it that?  
  
(Ron, Seamus, and Dean slink quietly around the castle. While Hermione is giving makeovers to our mysterious friends, the boys are still attempting to find Vivian's fun-filled sleepover.)  
  
Ron: (Turning to look at his friends) Well, do either of you guys have any idea where we're going?  
  
Dean: Not a clue. I think Seamus might know though.  
  
Seamus: (nods proudly and begins trying to draw figures in the air ala Silent Bob in "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.")  
  
Ron: Dammit, can't you just tell us what the heck you're talking about?  
  
Dean: Actually, I don't think he can. Two chapters ago, the Narrator said that he only had one line in this story, and he said it already. He isn't allowed to talk anymore.  
  
Ron: (Rolling his eyes) Okay, fine. Seamus, which way do we g-  
  
(Ron is cut off by a thud and a crash one hallway over. A male voice shouts in dismay, and Ron and his friends exchange frightened glances.)  
  
Dean: (whispering) Should we go see what's going on? Or should we find someplace to hide?  
  
Ron: Well, let's think about this. In any of the Harry Potter books, did any of us ever do anything sensible?  
  
(Dean and Seamus shake their heads no in unison)  
  
Ron: Did we ever sense trouble and just walk away?  
  
(His friends shake their heads no again)  
  
Ron: Did we ever just quell our curiosity and go back to bed without investigating?  
  
(Once again, nope)  
  
Ron: (Brightly) Then let's not start now! C'mon valiant knights! We must away!  
  
(Ron and the others round the corner to find Viktor Krum **Back by popular demand** trying and failing to pull a knight's visor off of his head. It appeared to be stuck on his nose, and the rest of the suit was scattered around him.)  
  
Krum: Damn it! I knew I should have used my Quidditch money for a muggle nose job….  
  
Ron: (Looking puzzled) Krum….what are you doing?   
  
(Krums whips around, startled. The visor is still hopelessly stuck, and Krum keeps kicking bits of armor and making more clanging noises.)  
  
Ron: (Taking charge for once in his life because nancy-boy Harry Potter isn't around to tell him what to do) Dean, move those pieces so we don't keep attracting attention to ourselves with all this noise! Seamus, pull that visor off Krum's head. I'll just stand here looking courageous.   
  
(Ron's friends do as they're told, and in seconds Krum is visor-free. He straightens up and grins gratefully at Ron.)  
  
Krum: Thanks dude! I was like "I'm stuck!" and you were like "I'll help!" and now I'm like, free and stuff.   
  
Ron: Yeah. Anyway. Where are you headed mate?   
  
Krum: Actually, I was just on my way back from teaching Cho's stomach to speak Bulgarian.  
  
Dean: Teaching her stomach? Krum, you know your kid's in there, right?  
  
Krum: (Opening his eyes wide) OMG! Cho swallowed my kid!? That bitch! And after all those times we had mad sex in her dorm room, that's how she repays me!  
  
(Dean opens his mouth to something, but Ron silences him with a look. Seamus just shakes his head.)  
  
Ron: Well, we're going to go crash a teachers' slumber party. Wanna come?  
  
Krum: Will they be….naked?  
  
Ron: I dunno. Maybe. (Starts daydreaming about naked girls at a slumber party and has to be kicked several times by Seamus before coming back to reality.)   
  
Krum: Maybe's good enough for me! Count me in!  
  
(The four boys continue their trek down the corridor until they come to the entrance Vivian told them about. At this point, Ron turns to address his comrades.)  
  
Ron: We're about to go where no good Hogwarts boy has gone before. Be prepared.  
  
  
(With that, the boys pulled aside the hallway curtain…and stepped inside.) 


	12. A Singing Rat

(::Narrator has uncontrollable laughing fit for several minutes, rolling around on the floor and giggling:: You were all excited, weren't you? You thought that Ron, Seamus, Dean, and Krum were going to pull back the curtain and find hot women covered in baby oil, right? Not today my faithful readers! Oh no, now is the time to introduce everyone's favorite villain. The one, the only, the invincible, LORD VOLDEMORT! ::Audience is silent…grasshoppers chirp:: Well anyway…on with the show!)  
  
(It was a dark and stormy night. Lightening flashed as thunder crashed over the dilapidated tiki hut. Inside, a sinister figure sat, reading quietly. And suddenly there came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at his chamber door. And then it fell in.)  
  
Figure: Dammit, I hate this drafty old barn! I thought the Riddle Vacation Home in Tahiti would be a perfect place to formulate my plan to destroy Harry Potter, but I guess I was wrong! (Sits back down in a huff, causing dust to rise from the old armchair.)  
  
(The person outside pushes the collapsed door aside and steps over it into the room. He is a squatty little man with shifty eyes and a nervous demeanor. He moves to stand in front of the sinister figure.)  
  
Figure: (High pitched and raspy voice) Did you bring me something off which to feed, Wormtail? I need to gather my strength for the upcoming assault on Harry Potter.  
  
Wormtail: (Holding up bag) Yes, my lord. Two cheeseburgers, a large order of fries, and a diet coke, just as you requested. And um, sir? Could I ask you a favor?  
  
Figure: (Sighs) If this is about getting the porn channels on the television, I TOLD you before…  
  
Wormtail: No, no, it's not about that it's just…I was thinking. Is all this "My Lord" stuff really necessary when we're alone and all? The only one who can hear us is Nagini, and it's not like she cares. Couldn't I call you Tom? Or maybe Voldemort? Or, if you feel comfortable, would it be okay if I called you Voldie or Morty?  
  
Figure (aka "Voldie"): You frickin' retard! How could you ever think that you could address me in a such a way! You're so embarrassing, this is like that time that you took me to the zoo and made me wear the balloon hat that clown gave me!  
  
Wormtail: Awwww come on Voldie, you looked so cute! And that was such a happy day. We were celebrating the capture of Bertha Jorkins, remember?  
  
(Wormtail crosses to the dusty old mantle and takes down a silver heart-shaped frame. The picture is of a wisp of vapor with red eyes wearing a balloon hat and holding a bag of cotton candy.)  
  
Wormtail: (wiping his eyes) Good times, Voldie, good times.  
  
Voldie: Oh shut up you little prat! You have to help me plot our next move against Harry Potter and that ancient pervert, Albus Dumbledore.   
  
Wormtail: Pervert?  
  
Voldie: Oh yes, there was a quite the Playboy scandal a few years back when they found that missing model hiding in his closet, but the Ministry of Magic managed to cover it up fairly well, unfortunately. (Grumbles) Why does everyone always like him better than me? And why can I never manage to kill that infernal midget?  
  
Wormtail: (Speaking as music begins to play in the background) Now NOW Lord Voldemort! There's no one quite like you anywhere in the world! You're more feared than any other wizard in Britain. Don't give up on world domination now! Cheer up Voldie, and always remember (sings) You gotta have HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEART! Miles and miles and miles of heart! When the odds are sayin' you'll never win, that's when the grin should start! You gotta have heeeeeeeeeart!   
  
Voldie: (Tears coming to his eyes) Damn Yankees! My favorite musical! Oh Wormtail, you're the best henchman an evil wizard could ever have!  
  
(They embrace as the music continues to play in the background, Voldie sniffling in happiness every once in awhile. Finally, they break apart and Voldie looks serious.)  
  
Voldie: Alright, Wormtail. Bring me my "Diabolical Plan" utensils and we'll get started.   
  
Wormtail: ACCIO pink bunny slippers, cookies, milk, parchment, purple plumed feather quill, flowered night gown, cat, and pinky ring!  
  
(The objects zoom to Voldemort's side and he settles himself in to hatch his evil plan. He slips the pinky ring on his finger and practices the "Dr Evil Finger" several times to make sure he has it right. He strokes his black devil cat, Crackshonks, delicately as he thinks intently.)  
  
Voldie: Have my spies already infiltrated the school?  
  
Wormtail: Which spies?  
  
Voldie: The ones I sent!  
  
Wormtail: Well, which ones did you send? There's a pair of males and a pair of females wandering around the school and I don't know which ones are our spies and which ones are Aurors!   
  
Voldie: Nevermind that, Wormtail, you've answered my question. Have the spies returned any information on Harry Potter?  
  
Wormtail: Well, we did get this email…(thumbs through sheaf of papers on desk) AHAH! According to this exclusive and intimate information, Harry Potter "has dark green eyes tinged with blue, and a smile that could melt your heart in an instant. His sleek hair falls across his forehead in an ebony waterfall, brushing that fantastic scar, and emblem of intense power and a passion…"  
  
Voldie: Gob in a bucket, is this a report or soft porn? I guess I'll just have to find out about Harry Potter myself. Wormtail, pack my overnight bag and iron my good traveling dress. We're going to Hogwarts! 


	13. Author's Note: I'm Back!

Yay, I'm back!!  
  
I got a smidge annoyed with our beloved ff.net after they made a multiplicity (oooo, big word) of changes regarding the setup of the site. Namely, the removal of NC-17 stories, which included some of my best works, and the removal of the originals category, although my entries were pretty odd anyway. I don't have a new chapter for this fic yet, but it's one of my favorites so I wanted to see if I could pull in a few reviews by getting it back to the top of the pages. It was probably chillin' on page 14642545243 before I stuck this little note on it! So anyway, review please and we'll see if I'm up to the challenge of returning to the genre. It's up to you, folks! And while you're at it...I need encouragement for my Series of Unfortunate Events attempt also! :-D 


	14. Moving the Plot Along

**After a long, long sabbatical from the world of fanfiction, your brilliant author has made a leap of faith by updating this story before any others. My muse, Vivian, appears not to be in a serious mood and has forced me to try and write this little bit of humor. Thanks for all those reviews so long ago, I'm hoping for just a few more, so drop me a line! I need LOTS of encouragement! This is a short chappie cuz I'm not feeling very funny right now, but what is here is dedicated to LyssaQuill for leaving me the most fabbity fab fab reviews I've ever gotten! Thanks for the review and the tip about NC-17 sites Lyssa! I'll be reading some of your stories as soon as I get a chance! Kisses loyal readers, and on with the show!  
  
(With that, the boys pulled aside the hallway curtain…and stepped inside.)  
  
Ron: You already said that.  
  
(I did?)  
  
Ron: Yeah, check chapter 11. We pulled aside the curtain, stepped inside, and were left to rot for eight months while you decided what to do with us. No would you stop stalling and get us to the booty please?  
  
(You're really starting to get on my nerves, you know that? Anyway, so the boys step inside, blah blah blah and find themselves in a large, circular room with torches casting eerie light on all the nooks and crannies of the stone walls. The room is silent and mysterious. The boys venture cautiously into the quiet room and congregate in the middle, huddling together fearfully.)  
  
Dean: (Huddling fearfully) Dude…where are the hot girls?  
  
Ron: I dunno…this is supposed to be the place…  
  
(The boys all shiver involuntarily, except for Krum, who is staring off into space and whistling. Ron furrows his eyebrows, as though he is thinking hard. He's so cute when he does that!)  
  
Ron: (pointing in a stroke of brilliance) Hey, look guys! There's a door over there! They must be through there!  
  
(Suddenly, Seamus begins to point and wave his arms frantically. He looks frightened and gestures upward. The other boys are visibly confused.)  
  
Ron: Seamus, can't you see we're visibly confused? Why can't you just suspend that "no-talking" rule and TELL us what you're trying to say?  
  
(Without warning (well, except for Seamus), metal bars come crashing down from the ceiling to surround our courageous booty-hunters on all sides. Seamus has a smug look on his face, and the others just look horrified.)  
  
Ron: Hey! What's going on!?  
  
(You know, I've never noticed how articulate you are before, Ron.)  
  
Ron: Oh shut up! I'm a little panicked here okay? I just want to know why I'm surrounded by metal bars on all sides!  
  
(A voice comes floating into them from the other room, followed by giggling.)  
  
Voice: Actually boys, it's a cage.  
  
Ron: A what?!  
  
(There's that extensive vocabulary again.)  
  
Ron: (Wisely choosing to ignore the Narrator's taunting) Where are we? What's going on?  
  
Voice: I knew you'd try to find our slumber party, so I devised this trap for you, my little snookums.  
  
Ron: Vivian? Is that you?  
  
Voice: I sure hope so. I would hate to be a disembodied sexually frustrated voice like our poor unfortunate narrator.  
  
(Hey!)  
  
Ron: So let me get this straight: You knew I'd be coming to find your slumber party so you set up a trap for me…now what?  
  
Vivian: (Stepping out of the shadows wearing a nearly transparent red teddy and matching panties with fur trim) Well…I don't really know. When I was planning the whole thing, this is about as far as I got.  
  
(Your thought processes astound me. I can't believe you're my alter ego.)  
  
Vivian: Must you always be so cutting? You devised ME you know. I'm a product of YOUR imagination, so if I'm completely driven by little Viv and not all that bright it's your fau-  
  
Ron: Can you PLEASE stop fighting with the Narrator and focus on ME for a minute?! I think I deserve at least that much. Now, how do I get out of here?  
  
Vivian: (Thinking hard, an incredible feat for her) Well…I don't really know. I had Marilyn set it up for me, and she's not here.  
  
Ron: Um, where is she? I really don't want to spend the rest of my life in here, you know.  
  
Vivian: She should be back later tonight…but until then I'm sure we could figure out a way to (she looks seductively at Ron) pass the time.  
  
Ron: Oh yeah? What'd you have in mind?  
  
**2 Hours Later**  
  
(Vivian is sitting cross-legged outside the bars of the cage, with all the boys clustered around her. Professors Trelawney and McGonagall are snoozing nearby with curlers in their hair and cucumbers resting precariously on their eyelids as red nail polish dries on their toenails. Ick.)  
  
Vivian: (Giggling uncontrollably) Okay, Truth!  
  
Dean: (Laughing like a hyena) Alright alright…if you could pick, which one of us would you…ya know…DO?  
  
Vivian: Well that's easy, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings here.  
  
Ron: (Looking smug) Go on Vivian, I'm sure the guys here won't mind. Just tell us, really.  
  
Vivian: Well…(giggling again) I guess I would have to say…Viktor. He's just so adorably clueless!  
  
(Ron's mouth drops open as Krum's face is lit with a huge grin)  
  
Krum: Duuuuuude, righteous! I am a total babe magnet! Studalicious!  
  
(Seamus reaches over to close Ron's mouth as Vivian blushes and Krum winks at her.)  
  
Vivian: Wow guys, this was so much fun! My favorite part was Strip Candy Land. I've never had this much fun at a slumber party before! Hang on, I think the popcorn's done!  
  
(Vivian stands to move into the next room, then stops dead in her tracks as her eyes lock on the doorway. At this time, all readers should gasp in anticipation.)  
  
Vivian: H-Hans? Is that YOU!? 


End file.
